


Heart Beats Quietly

by distractionpie



Category: National Treasure (Movies)
Genre: Asexual Character, Multi, Other, Polyamory, Possibly Unrequited Love, Romantic Asexual Character, Self-Doubt, Unresolved Romantic Tension, mild internalized acephobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-07 19:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4274451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/distractionpie/pseuds/distractionpie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Falling for a couple is inadvisable, falling for a couple when you don't <i>want</i> either of them is heartache at it's finest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart Beats Quietly

It's not like Riley hasn't second guessed himself. He'd slept with both men and women in college. He'd liked people, liked them a lot, so he’d acted interested but sooner or later it became all too apparent that in bed he tended to treat his partners in the same way he treated particularly dull professors whose good graces he needed to get into. No, he could feign interest in sex for a little while, but sooner or later people always noticed that he rarely initiated anything, and his utter lack of elaborate fantasies, apparently so common among his more sexually inclined peers.

Being normal seemed like it would be so much easier. A quick easy release, instead of just those bizarre moments of directionless arousal, that weren’t enough to actually get him anywhere before he found himself loosing interested and tabbing over to some cracked article.

Oh he knew he wasn't a total freak, he was too internet savvy for that. If something existed it would crop up on the internet sooner or later so he'd poked around lgbt forums and Wikipedia pages and wound up on a website for asexuals, all off-hand jokes about cake and resigned exasperation at being compared to plants. It didn't help as much as he'd like. Oh for sure there were other people like him in that way, but it felt like they all seemed better at going along with sex or just weren't interested in relationships. Aromantic, they called it, even if his spell checker was determined to call them aromatic. Wanting neither made sense. But it wasn't him. No, Riley Poole's luck always left him hopelessly pining after relationships he'd never follow through on. Even his campus chastity society had been quick to mention that they'd have sex eventually. Sooner or later just liking someone didn't cut it, they always wanted more than just cuddles and stunning wit. They always wanted him to want more.

His mother sighed and shook her head whenever she was reminded of the fact he'd never made anything last more than six months. The few people he'd tried explaining himself to had looked perplexed, and asked him about hormone therapy, imagined childhood traumas, laughed and suggested he wasn't doing it right.

It was easier once he got out of the cubicle and away from office gossip. Ben didn't seem to find anything odd about the fact that Riley spent most of his spare time reading techie forums, reserved his judgmental looks for the conspiracy groups. Riley supposed that Ben just assumed it was the same sort of focus on work that had lost Ben more than one girlfriend because nobody liked feeling second best to a treasure they didn't believe existed. There'd been a look in Ben's eyes when he'd finally explained this to Riley, after a long night of inputting map data that had also involved more than a few beers. He'd seemed sad but not regretful. Riley thought that Ben probably had cared, but he'd never be able to make something last with someone who didn't understand that the treasure was what Ben was about. Ben had turned the line of questioning back to Riley and it had been easy, to laugh and to dismiss it as no woman being interested in a cubicle dwelling computer geek, too quick to figure he was a basement dweller rather than just awkward. He didn't mention the men. It wasn't that he thought Ben would have a problem, but then he'd be suggesting bisexuality, and that just felt a little too dishonest. Whereas it was entirely true that women weren't overly interested in having a relationship with Riley, even if the reasons he gave tended to be secondary factors.

He hated a lot of things about dating, but he missed some too, although he knew he’d made the right choice in giving it up. He liked the attention, the admiration, the attraction, but he knew it was unfair to take it, not when he couldn't return it properly. People wanted to feel hot, hell even he did sometimes, why would anybody want to stay with a partner who couldn't offer them that?

He tried to resist the urge to hook up just for the company, because it inevitably ended badly. He’d been delighted to meet the woman who’d read his book, had indulged in the flirtatious discussion of it for a few days before shutting her down, hinting that he was taken, but offering her his email as a friend. That had been nice.

It was nice with Ben and Abby too, who rarely went a week without inviting him around. He liked those nights, sitting around the table eating dinner together - whether it was something fancy or pizza delivery. He liked listened to Ben and Abby discuss their esoteric historical stories, even if he knew he'd never remember many of the details. He liked the night they'd been watching a movie and he'd woken to the title screen looping, Abby's head on his shoulder, and just sat there for a few minutes and savoured it before Ben woke up and he had to pretend to have been startled awake by the sound of Ben moving, knocking Abby off his shoulder in the process.

He liked his car, liked his apartment. It wasn't fair how much he resented driving back to there, walking into the silent rooms, settling down in a cold bed, staring aimlessly at a room full of stuff, really cool stuff that just didn’t satisfy him, wondering when the next invite would come. Technically he had a standing invitation to drop by whenever they were around, but he’d never take them up on that for fear he’d find himself taking advantage of their hospitality and just staying, which wasn’t what they meant when they said he was welcome there.

It was probably creepy how often he wanted to cry 'group hug', how he envied them when they kissed, even though he'd never been more than mildly into that.

But it wasn't just his craving for physical contact though, it was Ben and Abby in particular.

They bickered still, although they seemed to be more controlled about it than on their first go around, their breakup having taught them a little more about their limits. It wasn't like last time when Riley was writing his book though. He'd decided it wasn't worth writing a second one given the reception the first one had received, both from the general public and the people who mattered, so this time he spent a lot more time around them. Now Abby turned to Riley to vent her exasperation with some of Ben's more grating habits and Ben dragged Riley out on trips while Abby was working just to hang out with somebody who, while Riley didn't tolerate all of Ben's annoying habits, at least found different things annoying from Abby. They knew each other better now, were able to balance their separate needs with their needs as a couple.

He wondered if they'd last this time, if they'd break the year mark, if they'd be something permanent. It seemed pretty incomprehensible to him and he wondered what would happen if they did. Abby sometimes joked about getting Riley settled down with somebody so they could double date, and she wasn't so easily fobbed off as Ben, knew that there were women (and men) who'd be interested in Riley, who might even like his geeky habits instead of being put off by them. Of course, if she knew the real reason he couldn't make a relationship last she'd think differently. Abby had a pretty set world view, she probably wouldn't assume that Riley was heartless, or that was uninterested in people out of some dislike or superiority, she knew him better than that, but she'd still think there was something wrong with him. Riley had never met anybody like him before, and a couple of people on the internet didn't mean much, there were people on the internet who were into all kinds of things, didn't make it normal or acceptable.

He wonders if he's going to grow old alone. His parents seem to have their jobs and each other, their family and then a handful of acquaintances. He wonders at what age you get to old for friends, when you ought to be pairing off and settling down with a family. He dreads being that age. He worries that his friends will get there. He jokes plenty about Ben getting old, feels a strange relief in that Abby is between his and Ben’s ages, that she's not yet ready to settle down into a totally domestic life. She's got the job and the boyfriend but she still wants to chase mysterious treasures, still gets together college friends when they're in the same town, still wants adventure. Riley is thankful every day that she and Ben haven't slipped into the isolated little relationship bubble that he's seen so many couples create. Riley's spent a lot of time third wheeling, in high school before he'd forced himself to start dating, in college in the months when ignoring social boundaries and putting himself where he wasn't really wanted seemed an easier way to be with people than dating them. More than a couple of friends have accused him of being a cock-block, and he's careful to give Ben and Abby space sometimes, doesn't want to lose them over something as stupid as that. The funny thing is he doesn't feel like a third wheel with them. When he's there they include him. Oh occasionally they're romantic with each other, that's to be expected, but he doesn't feel shut out. He remembered them kissing in front of their house when they were still getting settled in, the way Ben had broken the kiss and moved as if to hug Riley and he'd shied away, worried it was being inappropriate to accept, that he was being made fun of in some oblique way but in hindsight he thinks he was being overcautious. Perhaps it's just that Ben has different social boundaries to other people because he's got no shame about his closeness to Abby in front of Riley, even though Riley had never taken Ben for being the PDA type. Even weirder, Abby is the same. She'll have her hand resting on Riley's shoulder, trying to convince him of why he ought to be enthused by some battered old book, and kiss Ben without taking her hand off Riley, like there's not some boundary that says that's not okay. She doesn't seem to care what other people think of her relationships. Once they were in a library looking up some books and somebody had assumed Riley was her boyfriend. Riley had felt a tight rush of alarm, his breath catching as he choked on an explanation of how wrong the stranger was, but Abby had just laughed and bumped her shoulder against his with a sly grin, as if it was some great joke. As if being mistaken for being involved with her boyfriend’s best friend didn't sound like the premise to half of the tragic literature that Riley's short academic career had required him to slog through.

He tries not to care too much. It’s hard. He always feels like he’s at one extreme or another. He’ll be having a great time with somebody until suddenly they’re pressed up against him, mouth on his, getting grabby with his clothes and he’s got to pull back and say no, watch their expression change to annoyance or rejection, and know he isn’t going to be able to have a good time with them anymore. Or he finds himself constantly on guard, twitchy and reticent, overly analysing his interactions with people, until he’s seeing things that aren’t there and being around them stresses him out more than he can cope with.

He loves Ben and Abby too much to ruin a perfectly good friendship.

But he loves them more than is wise, and that probably is going to be his undoing.

It’s going to hurt like hell.

  


 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Initially a precursor to a longer fic, this has been sitting on my laptop a while without going anywhere, so I decided to share it as is and readers can decide what they think the eventual outcome would be.
> 
> Also I'm not sure how to go about tagging for a relationship which is only ever thought about/hinted at, I've given it a shot, but if anybody has any suggestions/tips they'd be welcomed/


End file.
